Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
