I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
