i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
