That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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