I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
