He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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