I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
