Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
