well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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