So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
