So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
