It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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