My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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