Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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