dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
