Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
