It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The struggles of a small town man whore
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
