make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
