my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
