i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
