i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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