idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
