I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
