I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My pussy is not your playground.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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