you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
