sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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