I murdered the dance floor call the cops
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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