it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
