Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
