just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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