i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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