Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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