I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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