when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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