just survived the first fart of the relationship.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
