On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
