Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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