i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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