When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
