either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
