I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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