you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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