So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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