Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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