Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
