Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
