So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My feet surprised me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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