I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
