ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize