It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
