i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
